Pensive

Recently or rather these three days, I’ve been quite lucky.  I won a substantial amount of money the past two days playing mahjong which is more than enough to buy that River Island shirt I was eyeing the other day.  I decided not to play mahjong today because it seems excessive that one should spend his time gambling for three consecutive days. Luck came in the form of a mobile phone on the ground.  That was the beginning of a series of actions in which I am currently evaluating within the capacity of my skull.  To be precise, that was not the actual beginning.  I had seen the phone fall out of the pocket of the poor boy’s pants.  I was walking across the road when I saw two boys riding a bicycle towards my direction on the opposite end of the road.  I noticed clearly with my very own eyes the phone dropping out of the Malay boy’s back pocket.  My first reaction was to continue walking and observe if the boy had realised what had happened.  I felt that it would be silly of me to attempt to stop a bicycle cycling  halfway across the road.  I crossed to the other side of the road and halted as I approached the phone on the ground.  I was hesitant, wondering what to do next.  I looked around me and discovered that the people who had crossed the road together with me did not notice the phone and the two boys had already cycled too far a distance for me to call out to them.  Furthermore, that would look stupid.  I cautiously picked up the phone and stared at it.  As I had expected, it was not something I would use myself.  It was a pathetic Samsung two megapixel phone which was in a very worn condition with the paint at the corners scratched off.  I wondered how much the phone would be worth if I sold it to a second-hand dealer, then I thought about my moral obligations as an upright citizen of our glorious nation.  How would I feel if I had lost my phone?  Wouldn’t I be cursing the person who didn’t return it to me?  However, the devil repossessed my mind again by implanting the thought of how troublesome it would be for me to meet this person just to return him his phone.  I turned off the phone.  

I was still on my way home when I decided to turn on the phone and await for the boy to call me.  Alas, there was a password for the phone to be fully functional.  It was the boy’s demise that he had placed a password to lock his phone and prevented a fickle person like me from returning it to him.  Perhaps it was the higher being/s manner of punishing me for even harbouring such sinful thoughts in the first place.  A pang of guilt permeated my soul.  But just as guilt ran through my veins, loathsome thoughts pervaded my mind.  I wondered that maybe it was a blessing in disguise that the boy was looking for, this might be the most appropriate reason for him to get a new phone.  However, my conscience was still intact and I surmised that he would probably be disciplined by his parents all because of me.  

After my lunch, I started on the pile of laundry that I had not ironed for two weeks.  Possibly it was my way of repenting for lazing around these few months before my enlistment and for knowingly taking away somebody’s possession by doing the things I ought to do.  Honestly, I do not comprehend the depths of my soul very well and cannot conclude that I did that out of repentance.  It could be that I did not want to collect bad karma that would result in poor A level results.  Yes, I can tell that all this sounds absurd, but life is complicated yet beneath all these complications, there is no meaning.  Everything is meaningless, even these words that I am typing.  Words are just names we created ourselves for the matter that surrounds us.   That is what I’ve concluded.  There are no real goals, maybe we are all just pets under the care of higher authority that we do not see.  However, it is only natural and instinctive of us to just carry on living and do what we are “supposed” to do.  Only because we are human, we think too much and wonder what meaning there is to life.  Meaning itself is meaningless and if you ever think about such things, you would just go in a roundabout motion and perhaps even end up in an asylum.  That is conceivably why religion was created with it’s purpose of pacifying such unanswerable thoughts.

I think I’ve droned on for a tad too long already.  Anyway, I’ve to give tuition in half an hour’s time and I shall end my mad thoughts here.  I’m finally getting my first month’s pay for tuition today!